Guatemala: Questions To Humble

“Spare me your judgments, and spare me your dreams. Because recently mine have been tearing my seams… Alone in the wind and the rain you left me… Corrupted by the simple sniff of riches blown… I begged you to hear me. There’s more than flesh and bones… Take the spade from my hands. And fill in the holes you’ve made. Plant your hope with good seeds. Don’t cover yourself with thistle and weeds. Rain down. Rain down on me. And I will hold on. I will hold on hope…” ~Mumford & Sons

Spare you my judgments and spare you my dreams? I thought that I had. I thought that I was with you, that I heard you, that I saw you. I thought that I could even be your hope, someone to lead you out of the wind and the rain. I thought all of this, I did.

Until now.

Will you forgive me?

It’s just that, I’m human, and it’s not easy. I only have my own reality. But can another person’s reality be my own? Not truly. Even if I hear, understand, and remember your story, I can’t experience and understand your reality in the way that you do.

And really, how do we understand something without comparing it to something that we already know? To compare and to contrast in life seems so natural. My own reality is what I already know; it’s what I have to compare with your reality, to try to understand.

But what happens when we start to compare, already assuming that one way is better? And if we don’t listen well, what happens then? What happens when our awareness beyond our self can only go so far? Or what happens to the people affected by our motives? Even if those motives are innocent and well intended, what happens if our “good-doings” have a negative impact? What are the consequences of this lack of awareness, and not understanding the true affects? What are the consequences of not realizing the level of our own self-centric interests in all that we do? Furthermore, what if we think our self to be immune from these selfish interests—the exception to the rest of humanity?

I’m more aware of these questions than I was before. But though I realize some of their answers, to gain this new perspective is still difficult, and I imagine will never truly be complete. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to completely release myself from my judgments and preconceived notions. But I still want to look for what is Good, and to do Good. And I want to understand, and to be there with you in some way.

Sometimes it seems so difficult and beyond me though. What can I do, who can I be in my lifetime? It’s so short, and seems not enough.

Though I feel discouraged and confused, at the same time I feel encouraged yet uncomfortable…and that feels right. I feel challenged in simple ways that I never thought of before, as well as in profound ways—of which some of those ideas I can grasp, and others are beyond me. But I haven’t given up on my ideals. Rather, my understanding and approach are transforming. My perspective is evolving. The questions I’m asking are changing.

Do I see poverty before I know the individual? When I met you, was my judgment there too? Have I offended you by assuming your life to be deprived? Did I ask myself if you even think that your life is deprived? Have I arrived with the assumption that the standard of living of my culture is what you aspire to? Do I know that you hold onto your beliefs just as strongly as I do to mine? And do I think that it’s my job to help those who have less to have more? What is less, and what is more? Have I realized that it’s about you, about your ownership in the development and changes of your life? Did I acknowledge what I don’t know? Did I discover and examine my own cultural assumptions? Am I aware of the impact that my presence here has on this culture? Do I know what your expectations are? Did I arrive with my dreams, or yours in mind? Have I asked you what your hopes and dreams are? Am I listening to you?

There has never been a more important time for us to look with dignity and respect on each other. Over and over again, I’m learning the questions to ask of myself, and of you. I’m learning the importance of humility, and how to listen with diplomacy and loyalty. Anew, I’m beginning to understand…how to be there with you, how to hear you, how to see you, how to hold on hope with you…and how to plant our hope with good seeds.

We are not the Creators, but are like gardeners that tend Creation. Nothing we do is complete. But we are part of something greater. We plant the seeds (our gifts and who we are) that one day will grow. We water those seeds already planted, believing in their future promise. And we hold on hope.

But still I wonder…

Will we hear your story? And if you can’t tell it yourself, then how will we tell it? Who will listen? How will we inspire them? Will we understand?